i headed to texas on friday for a weekend of gramma cuddles. nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. i feel as if i've been through some sort of a war.
today is my first "normal" day in almost a week. i will eat, shower, and head to school - some sort of a routine. the past few days have been a whirlwind filled with tears, hand holding, and extreme pain.
on saturday gramma took a decline and i called for nurses repeatedly. the hospice nurse said she had only a few days left and i was crushed. her only words were "thank you dear" when i told her how beautiful she was. mum and i stayed with her for 10 hours on saturday, all day sunday and slept there with her, and monday we took turns leaving to shower and recoup. monday night at 10:30pm she took her last breath. i honestly don't know if i'll ever be the same. she was truly my favorite person ever. there are 5 stages of grief and i have yet to fully move through any. looks like i've got a long way to go! oh, and here is a link to her obituary which sheds some light on what a remarkable woman she was. truly.
i left texas tuesday evening and listened to loud hip hop for hours. it seemed to be the only thing that helped stop the tears. yesterday i was in bed most of the day resting except for a massage and legs up the steam room practice. my poor body is a mess with all sorts of tweaks due to my lack of movement, grief, and travel over the past week. i must share that my yoga and mindfulness practice came in incredibly handy during gramma's final days. i was able to sit with her, hold her hands, massage her forehead and arms, and be fully present. despite my typical tendency to multitask, i transitioned into a new state of awareness with her and credit it all to yoga!
i wanted to link to a few of my fave posts about gramma and found that there are 77 on this blog that mention her! here are a few of my favorites over the years:
le beau, sir louis + moi are driving to oklahoma on friday for her monday memorial. it's a 22-hour drive and le beau is up for the challenge. i'll be sure to share stories and photos from the journey as i continue to process the experience.
finally, i'm so grateful for the numerous love notes posted on my facebook wall and appreciate the outpouring of support during this time. please consider dedicating your next practice to her, wish her well on this new journey, or send my family love. it will be well received.
bisous. x
27 comments:
my heart goes out to you and your family kimberly. gramma will continue to shine & sparkle on!! she will continue to be with you when you need her most. big hugs!!
My thoughts and positive vibes go out to you and your family, Kimberly. And you're right, your abuelita is an angelita now.
Kimberly, my thoughts are with you and your family. Losing a loved one is never easy. Regardless of the "intellectual" preparation we have, our hearts are never ready for that moment.
Sending love to you Kimberly.
Sending virtual hugs and kisses your way and praying for comfort for you and your family.
I've been thinking of you a lot lately, checking in for updates. It's funny how the internet creates connections, isn't it? Much, much love and peace being sent your way.
Dear Kimberly, reading your last post makes me feel so very sad for you. I have a wonderful relationship with my Grandma and I cant imagen the pain you are in right now. I really want to be able to give you a big hug and look after you. Please know I am thinking of you and sending lots of love from England XXXXX
Kimberly, My heart goes out to you, and my soul cries for your pain. I know that things are so very hard right now, but know that she is watching over you, and wants you to remember her in your loving heart. She loved you, and carry that peace with you. *hugs and much love being sent your way*. XX
Kimberly, at the end of her life, Elizabeth Kubler Ross said she lamented most of all creating those "stages" of grief and was worried that they had actually done more harm than good. She said that no two human beings experience grief the same and to categorize like that made/makes so many people feel like failures, have false hopes, etc. It also creates a culture that has no tolerance for grief. People think you should move through the stages and be done. But in actuality, grief over your gramma will be a lifelong journey, ebbing and flowing at its own pace, always with you, always changing, always growing you -- because that's what it's for, right? To grow our hearts with more love than ever.
Hugs to you!!
Love never dies, she's in a safe place now with others that she knew from long ago... she is happy and at peace with everything.. I hope this insight brings you some peace and comfort.
It's so wonderful you were there for her at her last moments. I can't think of a better gift for you or her. Sending lots of healing love to you and will definitely dedicate my upcoming practices to her. Love that she was involved in Camp Fire Girls - I was one!
kimberly, sending you and your family love in this difficult time. i will definitely dedicate my next practice to you all. xox.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I read the obituary and she does sound like a wonderful lady. I thought it was interesting/cool that she was the first teacher to integrate in her school district.
My father died several years ago, and I was totally unprepared for how big of a deal it is to lose someone who really helped mold me into who I am. I hope you'll find some comfort in your grieving process. Your posts about your grandmother have really been a wonderful tribute.
Kimberly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how much your gramma meant to you! My thoughts are with you and your family. And don't worry about the stages of grief. What I've learned over the years is that many people do experience those stages, but there is no time limit. Take all the time you need to grieve. Do what your heart tells you.
Wishing peace to both you and your Grandma.
thinking of you~ Peace Gramma
I am so sorry for your loss Kimberly. I lost my Granny almost two years ago and I'm still grieving her. She was 99 as well and although people think it's a long time I know I thought my Granny would last forever and I'm sure you felt just the same.
Sending you and your family lots of love!
xoxo
Rebecca
sending blessings and light as you walk these new steps on your path. i hope you will move at your pace and continue to practice the self-care you need...
Aloha Kimberly,
Me ke aloha pumehana.
Love Lives On
Because we loved, there will be tears.
Because we laughed, there will be memories.
Because Gramma lived, there will still be Joy.
Let the love you shared carry you through.
My thoughts and blessings are with you and your 'ohana (family)
I will be sending some peaceful energy to you and your family. Losing someone who has been a part of your life since you were born is so hard. Just feel what you feel and lean on those who have your back.
Sending you love and holding you in my prayers, Kimberly.
My deepest sympathies, I share your grief {{{Kimberly}}}
Je t'embrasse,
Maite
I am sorry, Kimberly, and also have greatly enjoyed your descriptions and stories of your grandmother over the years - thinking of you and your family!
thanks to EVERYONE for your outpouring of love. each note that came in via the blog, email, FB, twitter, and beyond has touched me deeply and i am forever grateful! x
I'm so sorry to hear this sad, sad news. Losing a loved one is never an easy one and I can see how close you are to each other. My sincerest condolences to your whole family. I thought I'd share www.deathletters.org as well for grieving families. It gets easier when you talk with someone else who is going through the same ordeal.
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