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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

in search of normalcy

the past few days have been particularly hard as we just hit the 3 week anniversary of gramma's death. i've seen a hospice grief counselor twice and am finding it to be most helpful. those hospice peeps are good eggs! she promises me that what i'm feeling is a normal part of the grieving process - lethargy, fuzziness, chest pains, and heaviness. it's like there is a big pile of lead tied around me. big boo, grieving smieving, it sucks. 

i'm now waking up in the middle of the night for hours replaying memories and having dreams about her. like last night's where she wasn't really gone and went on a fun trip where she didn't even need a walker! it's interesting how grief affects us on so many levels - even while we slumber. then i have moments of lucidity and feel a bit more myself. again, from what i'm told this is all "normal."

yet, honestly i have to even wonder what normal is anymore. life as i've known it will never be the same. i am seeing things differently and feeling differently. maybe it's due to being numb, but i'm fairly sure some of these shifts will stick. in a good way.

i love the notion of buddhist thought that sees challenges as opportunities and i'm trying to find that here. having life shaken up in such a way will definitely encourage a shift in perspective. ah, the lessons! in the interim, i must confess that i'm eating tons of tofutti cuties and wondering when normalcy will really return. and then pondering what normalcy even looks like now. 

life is full of cycles. a favorite reading notes "no matter how dark the night, morning comes. no matter how cold the winter, spring always comes." i'm ready. et toi? bisous. x

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Sarah said...

Kimberly, I'm glad you are finding support through grief counseling. The grieving process is never easy and it may take a while. You will recover, I promise. And while you search for normalcy, we are ever evolving. I believe that our development never ends, as long as we are living. Each moment brings a new opportunity and we have to determine what we want to take from those moments, good and bad. That is how we grow. In the mean time, take some time to breath and enjoy the tofutti cuties.

BekahDrey said...

Seeing the Hospice grief consolers is such a good idea. Getting help early on in the process will probably save you some grief in the long run. I waited way too long to recognize and learn to cope with my new life after loss, and I wish I had reached out to someone earlier. I will continue to send peaceful thoughts to you and yours!

p.s I am seconding the Tofutti Cuties Suggestion!

Anonymous said...

Your old normal is gone. After a while, you will find a new one. I promise. :) But it WILL be new...

LiziLifeCoach said...

My Sweet Kimberly,
My heart breaks for you because I know how sad it is to be there. When my beloved Father (love of my life) passed away in my arms I was just going through the motions but was absolutely numb and dead inside. I actually had to go on antidepressants for about 6 months because my anxiety levels were so high.
But I have GOOD NEWS for you, there is a way that you can deal with this trauma and dramatically reduce your healing time. There is this incredible therapy called EMDR (used frequently for post traumatic stress) within one or two sessions you will be able to get through the trauma and focus on the good. Sounds unbelievable but I experienced it first hand. I found out about it end of last year when my friend recommended it. I tried it and it worked. FINALLY I can think of my Dad without crying or getting depressed. I can focus on the beauty and the love and not the pain. Email me if you want more info. I will be happy to help you. I wish I had known about this 6 years ago it would hav saved me so much pain! Within a few sessions I felt 100% better. I highly recommend it. BTW I studied Grief Coaching but this treatment is AMAZING! I Love you, I hope this helps.

Wellness Journey said...

I am so sorry you are struggling.. its so sad.. thinking of you)

mmo said...

Feeling sorry for myself and you, Kimberly--we've all had the grief at some point in our lives--your words bring me back to those losses. But this community is holding you in its thoughts--breathing for you when you forget.